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From Quotes by Stephen Colbert
- If it's called the USA Today, why is all the news from yesterday?
- Of course! Jeb Bush! America is hungry for another leader from that talented family!
- Obama avoided the Vietnam draft with a letter from his family doctor diagnosing him as medically eight.
- Join me in standing up against any actual knowledge about guns. Let the CDC know they can take away our ignorance when the pry it…
- TV's Tony Snow becomes the White House press secretary. How will he make the difficult transition from Fox News reporter to Republican apologist? ... Mr.…
- It's time for me to give out an award to newly elected Majority Leader John Boehner. Mr. Boehner was elected just a few days ago…
- So what? A lobbyist cheated Indian tribes out of $25 million then laundered their money through phony Christian charities trying to stop other Indian tribes…
- Forgot to live-tweet the election last night, so I'm post-tweeting today. I'll start as soon as my fingers unclench from their rage fists.
- Evil exists because of the disobedience of Satan. God gave Satan, and the angels, and man free will. Satan used his free will and abused…
- If anybody needs anything else at their tables, just speak slowly and clearly into your table numbers. Someone from the NSA will be right over…
- I thought Black Friday was when everyone puts on blackface and steals children from Wal-Mart.
- Protect yourself from Muslim vampires by making your neck non-halal.
- Speak from the balls, not from the diaphram.
- Used books are the sluts of the literary world. Passed around from person to person, spreading their pages for anyone, getting cheaper and cheaper until…
- I've long been against illegal aliens, partly because they distract us from an even bigger threat: real aliens.
- To quote from another gospel, DUNE by Frank Herbert, 'Fear is the mind-killer.' ... Jesus was the original Muad'dib.
- It's clear that when we're this outnumbered by the creatures, we have to take a page from the British Empire and rule the lesser species…
- If you're doing nothing wrong, you have nothing to hide from the giant surveillance apparatus the government's been hiding.
- Every night on my show, The Colbert Report, I speak straight from the gut, okay? I give people the truth, unfiltered by rational argument. I…
- If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.
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- No cause is left but the most ancient of all, the one, in fact, that from the beginning of our history has… — Hannah Arendt
- Haiti, Haiti, the further I am from you, the less I breathe. Haiti, I love you, and I will love you always.… — Jean-Bertrand Aristide
- Sometimes people who want to understand Haiti from a political perspective may be missing part of the picture. They also need to… — Jean-Bertrand Aristide
- I have gained this from philosophy: that I do without being commanded what others do only from fear of the law. — Aristotle
- We construct a narrative for ourselves, and that's the thread that we follow from one day to the next. People who disintegrate… — Paul Auster
- Throughout all of this confusion, I hope I somehow get to you. I practice all the things I'd say to tell you… — Superman
- Total loyalty is possible only when fidelity is emptied of all concrete content, from which changes of mind might naturally arise. — Hannah Arendt