Stephen Colbert Quotes

324 quotes in 3728 categories

• Look, PETA! If God hadn't wanted us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them so darn tasty!
• Even the weather page is in a state of moral decay. What?s wrong with red, white and blue, USA Today? This rainbow weather map is…
• Make no mistake - they're coming for our guns. And we freedom-loving gun lovers are totally defenseless! Other than, you know, the guns.
• Nothing reassures parents more than surrounding their kids with the kind of guys who have a lot of weapons and nothing to do on weekdays.
• Yes, Dr. King is pro-gun just as surely as Jesus would be pro-nails.
• If it's called the USA Today, why is all the news from yesterday?
• I welcome opposing viewpoints, but I should warn you that you'll be facing off against the 2nd-place finisher at the 1981 Charleston County High-School Debate…
• Al Gore has a hit movie called 'An Inconvenient Truth.' I have an inconvenient truth for him: you're still not the president. ... This past…
• First, [in high school], I smoked a lot of pot...and that's how I got to know the people 'half in' the society of my high…
• If Jesus doesn't have a sense of humor, I am in huge trouble.
• I must confess that I've never trusted the Web. I've always seen it as a coward's tool. Where does it live? How do you hold…
• Young girls are obsessed with having a thigh gap. I blame the impossible body standards set by Spongebob.
• Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America's obesity statistics. Personally, I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching…
• Agnostics are just atheists without balls.
• Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.
• Why would we go to war on women? They don't have any oil.
• Of course! Jeb Bush! America is hungry for another leader from that talented family!
• Obama avoided the Vietnam draft with a letter from his family doctor diagnosing him as medically eight.
• Join me in standing up against any actual knowledge about guns. Let the CDC know they can take away our ignorance when the pry it…
• If we don't cut expensive things like Head Start, child nutrition programs, and teachers, what sort of future are we leaving for our children?

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