Stephen Colbert Quotes

324 quotes in 3728 categories

• The entire future of marriage rests with Justice Anthony Kennedy, the man who declared in Citizens United that corporations are people with constitutional rights. I…
• But you are also the biggest threat of all ...You are a gay person I like. Your threat is that you make being gay seem…
• After nearly 15 minutes of soul searching, I have heard the call. Nation, I will seek the office of the president of the United States.…
• I have two last pieces of advice. First, being pre-approved for a credit card does not mean you have to apply for it. And lastly,…
• We all know why [the generals] are so critical of the defense secretary. They're being defensive because they weren't able to implement his brilliant plan…
• To sit here at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush...I feel like I'm dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You now what, I'm a…
• TV's Tony Snow becomes the White House press secretary. How will he make the difficult transition from Fox News reporter to Republican apologist? ... Mr.…
• It's time for me to give out an award to newly elected Majority Leader John Boehner. Mr. Boehner was elected just a few days ago…
• So what? A lobbyist cheated Indian tribes out of $25 million then laundered their money through phony Christian charities trying to stop other Indian tribes…
• A native American group has filed a class-action lawsuit against the government for mismanagement of oil, gas, grazing, timber and other royalties since 1887. They're…
• President Bush has embarked on an eight-day tour of the continent. He hopes this one goes better than the other ones he's made recently. Obviously…
• Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.
• Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a man a sub-prime fish loan and you're in business, buddy!
• Can't wait for tomorrow when I get to exercise my patriotic duty as an American: Complaining about how long it's taking to VOTE.
• An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.
• If women are breadwinners and men bring home the bacon, why do people complain about having no dough? I'm confused. Also hungry.
• Forgot to live-tweet the election last night, so I'm post-tweeting today. I'll start as soon as my fingers unclench from their rage fists.
• I love the earth. If you ask me it's the greatest planet in the world.
• In the beginning, a monkey evolutioned gay marriage.
• Isn't an agnostic just an atheist without balls?

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