Stephen Colbert Quotes

324 quotes in 3728 categories

• I used to make up stuff in my bio all the time, that I used to be a professional ice-skater and stuff like that. I…
• If you love friends, you will serve your friends. If you love community, you will serve your community. If you love money, you will serve…
• I wrote things for the school's newspaper, and - like all teenagers - I dabbled in poetry.
• I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.
• In order to be a top-tier candidate, I need 7.5 million dollars, and I currently have 0.0 million dollars.
• What the right-wing in the United States tries to do is undermine the press.
• I not only loved studying theater, I loved being a theater major. It gave me an excuse to brood, to grow a beard, to wear…
• Northwestern's alumni list is truly impressive. This university has graduated best-selling authors, Olympians, presidential candidates, Grammy winners, Peabody winners, Emmy winners, and that's just me!
• Equations are the devil's sentences.
• I’m the frosting on America’s cake, and tonight I’m willing to let you lick the bowl.
• Baby carrots are making me gay.
• I am no fan of books.
• If Germans are happy it means everyone else is miserable.
• The only thing that gets me high is the musky scent of my enemy's fear
• Tomorrow you're all going to wake up in a brave new world, a world where the Constitution gets trampled by an army of terrorist clones,…
• Like O'Rielly, we'll grab the most important word of each sentence... 'The' for example. Also, I'll say, 'I'm angry,' and the graphic will read, 'Colbert…
• I am no fan of books. And chances are, if you're reading this, you and I share a healthy skepticism about the printed word. Well,…
• I teach Sunday school, motherf*****.
• Atheism, a religion dedicated to its own sense of smug superiority.
• If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.

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