Stephen Colbert Quotes

324 quotes in 3728 categories

• If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish…
• Arby's: If I was about to be killed, I would eat it.
• Twenty-two astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?" - Stephen Colbert to Congresswoman…
• Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family.
• Senator John Kyle claiming that over 90 percent of what Planned Parenthood does is abortion. Stephen Colbert: Over 90 percent, that is unbelievable...in that it…
• America used to live by the motto "Father Knows Best." Now we're lucky if "Father Knows He Has Children." We've become a nation of sperm…
• The more you know, the sadder you get.
• Christianity is the best way to cure gayness—just get on your knees, take a swig of wine, and accept the body of a man into…
• I may be just an empty flesh terminal reliant on technology for all my ideas, memories and relationships, but I am confident that all of…
• Think books aren't scary? Well, think about this: You can't spell "Book" without "Boo!
• They said you can't go to the moon. They said you can't put cheese inside a pizza crust, but NASA did it. They had to,…
• Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia…
• When meeting royalty, it is very important, no matter how excited you are, not to vomit on them. Instead, vomit on the nearest commoner.
• ‎You cannot correct an old person every time they say something offensive. You would never make it through Thanksgiving dinner!
• It's the way our founding fathers would have wanted it, if they had founded corporations instead of just a country.
• It's official. Highway patrolmen are not susceptible to the Jedi Mind Trick.
• The skinnification of America's jeanscape has gone too far.
• Attack life, it's going to kill you anyway.
• I hold a little fundraiser every day. Its called going to work.
• I don't like the new president who hunts muslim extremists, I like the old president who is a muslim extremist.

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