Stephen Colbert Quotes

324 quotes in 3728 categories

• The worst thing about affirmative action is that it encourages reverse discrimination, so-called because it goes in the opposite way of how we naturally discriminate.
• Science attacks our most cherished opinions. Opinions which come straight from our collective gut. Oh, wait, according to gastroenterologists, the only thing that comes from…
• Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.
• ...why were you happier when you were a kid? Because you didn't know anything. The more you know, the sadder you get.
• I love making observations. That one is a classic example.
• A new study shows that having a severe phobia can hasten aging. But what if my greatest fear IS aging?!?
• I'm off for two weeks, so until I get back, take the characters in this tweet and parcel them out one per day. Use this…
• If I had one wish, it would be for self-drying pants. Wait -- no! Unlimited wishes! How do I return these stupid pants?!
• After obsessively Googling symptoms for four hours, I discovered 'obsessively Googling symptoms' is a symptom of hypochondria.
• Summer movie idea: take all the sequels that are out right now, and make movies about their backstories.
• Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.
• Mitt Romney's email was hacked! So if you start getting messages that sound like they're from a bot, he's fixed the problem.
• NC passed law against global warming science, therefore it's not happening. So I'm ignoring Twitter's 140-character limit, so it's not happ
• The fate of our country is now in the hands of people who don't think about what they want until they get right up to…
• The interesting thing about grief, I think, is that it is its own size. It is not the size of you. It is its own…
• Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. It’s sort of a blog for people…
• Contraception leads to more babies being born out of wedlock, like fire extinguishers lead to more fires.
• Life is an improvisation. You have no idea what's going to happen next and you are mostly just making things up as you go along.
• Thankfully dreams can change. If we'd all stuck with our first dream, the world would be overrun with cowboys and princesses. So whatever your dream…
• Not living in fear is a great gift, because certainly these days we do it so much. And do you know what I like about…

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