Stephen Colbert Quotes

324 quotes in 3728 categories

• There's nothing wrong with stretching the truth. We stretch taffy, and that just makes it more delicious.
• God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.
• In God's eyes all children are beautiful but here on earth we have higher standards.
• Making a better tomorrow, tomorrow.
• The pen is mightier than the sword, if you shoot that pen out of a gun
• So, if I'm no cheerleader of sports, why write a chapter about it? Sports do have some positive impact on society. They solve problems, such…
• So my heart goes out to them. Figuratively. I would never actually entrust my heart to scientists—they'd probably implant it in a baboon. And a…
• I like talking about people who don't have any power and it seems like some of the least powerful people in the United States are…
• What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!
• In America, we know to ignore artists if they're serious in any way.
• New study reveals men like to cuddle. Another study reveals men will say anything to get into bed with a woman.
• Don’t get me wrong. Being a mom is no picnic. Raising the kids is the mother’s responsibility. It’s a thankless, solitary job, like sheriff or…
• A mother needs to be in the home even when the kids aren’t. A messy house sends a coded message to children: “I’m not loveable.…
• Divorce is marital welfare.It’s just couples asking society to bail them out because they didn’t do enough research before they got married.
• Sorry, but retirement offends me. You don’t just stop fighting in the middle of a war because your legs hurt. So why do you get…
• Life is chaotic and unpredictable. If a butterfly flaps its wings in one part of the world, it could cause people at the opposite end…
• In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth.” Sorry, Darwin-huggers, but it’s not “In the beginning, a monkey evolutioned gay marriage.
• Any religion whose messiah’s name isn’t recognized by Microsoft Word can’t be that much of a threat.
• Luckily, a recent survey published in the American Sociological Review revealed that atheists are the least trusted group in America—less trusted, even, than homosexuals. It…
• Never throw caution to the wind. It could whip back into your eyes and blind you.

Browse Stephen Colbert Quotes by Category