Stephen Colbert Quotes

324 quotes in 3728 categories

• Knock Knock. Who's there? The Truth. No joke.
• Turn up your hearing aid 'Grandpa', because I'm only going to say this once!
• Wikipedia is the first place I go when I'm looking for knowledge... or when I want to create some.
• Women don't want all that. Women just want a partner who is considerate and attentive, who will spoon with them while reciting Keats, and feed…
• A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise,…
• What's the worst that can happen? A tidal wave? Glaciers with guns?
• I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don't know what I'd believe…
• Researchers from Britain's Keele University have found that swearing after an injury may help alleviate pain. Evidently, the pain that you feel is inversely proportional…
• You said in your book that at the end of the day, every politician is human. What about during the day?
• Now I don't know why he's denying them habeas corpus. I can only assume the guys they got detained over there did something really unforgivable.…
• Ghost of Bobby: no, no you can't eat me. I'm a ghost. Stephen Colbert: That just means that there's less bones to pick out.
• it's back to school time. or as home-schoolers call it, stay-where-you-are time.
• brb, ttyl ok? wow, i saved a 'ton' of time with those acronyms.
• I love the truth. It's the facts I'm not a fan of.
• It's like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, by the way, because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is.
• I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade... which I believe is about the proper way to cross…
• Take it from me, there's nothing like a job well done. Except the quiet enveloping darkness at the bottom of a bottle of Jim Beam…
• NASA scientists have discovered a new form of life, unfortunately, it won't date them either.
• Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection…
• Pain is the body's way of telling the brain it's in trouble. Similarly, confusion is the brain's way of telling the body, 'All right, buddy,…

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