“I type as fast as a ten-legged man who just had eight legs chopped off runs.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I’m feeling down, I make myself a big bowl of Up Soup. The bowl only looks empty, but in reality it’s… — Jarod Kintz Hope Copy Share Image
“I make love like a balloon, and fortunately, my lover is a blow up doll.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“I heard my friend’s car wouldn’t start, so I mailed him a parking lot. I should be a politician.” — Jarod Kintz Friendship Copy Share Image
“My heart is closed, but open. Closed to one woman in particular, but open to the public. Guided tours are offered Monday… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m the Robert the Bruce of Bruces. I’m also the Robert the Bruce of Roberts. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Sometimes I still get the urge to stuff asparagus up my nostrils, even though I don't like the way it makes my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to bring about a pantsless revolution. A zipper is just a gate holding you back, man. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I would never date Austin. Not that it’s gay, but it’s simply too densely populated for a relationship.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want a trophy that has atrophy—where the maquette on top isn’t sculpted metal, but rather a flaccid sack of jelly that… — Jarod Kintz Psychology Copy Share Image
“Dear Natalie, In a recent study conducted by jarodkintz.com, nine out of ten people were more likely to say yes when the… — Jarod Kintz Education Copy Share Image
“My penis isn’t big. It just appeared that way because the midget’s hands were so small.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am Mr. Needleneeds, and I’m looking for a haystack. It’s easier to find than love.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“If I were a professor, I’d bring my cat to class. I’d be silent until it meowed, and as soon as it… — Jarod Kintz Teachers Copy Share Image
“I’m never lonelier than when I’m in a crowded room, talking to nobody, awkward and isolated, trying to decide how to stand… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Wheelchairs won’t kill you. And cigarettes won’t paralyze you. Stick a wheelchair in your mouth and smoke it.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. You asked how long I’ve loved you, and I replied, “About 5,280 feet.” It was true.… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“I want to head up a committee to discuss how to properly head up committees. Our committee will sit at a round… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“He works for the CIA. Johnny Redyellow is his name, but I just simply call him Agent Orange.” — Jarod Kintz Agent orange Copy Share Image
“I don’t think that taking off my eye patch would increase my night vision by 100%, but it would go a long… — Jarod Kintz Dreams Copy Share Image
“I’m going to Australia. But first I’ve got to put on my swimming suit and stretch.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a status symbol, much like a Mercedes is now. The cool thing about a brick is… — Jarod Kintz Status symbol Copy Share Image
