“Taxes and Texas—they have the same letters, but only one can go to hell.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If you say renewable, I’ll think energy. If you say fore, I’ll think play. If you say binary, I’ll think anal defibrillator.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is tender, like the pot roast I’m keeping warm in my shoes.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“A brick could be substituted in for Rhode Island as a US state, because they’re roughly the same size, the have the… — Jarod Kintz Rhode island Copy Share Image
“When we communicate, everybody wins. Especially the NSA.” — Jarod Kintz Communication Copy Share Image
“My wife told me she’d meet me at the mall, and I said, “Don’t be silly. We’ve already met. What, do you… — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used as a water purification device. Place it between a flowing water source and your storage barrel and… — Jarod Kintz Flowing water Copy Share Image
“Mouths are longer than they are wide, to ensure words don’t come out sideways. Even the word “sideways” comes out straight.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My asshole is supportive of me. No matter what, good or bad, it’s always right there behind me.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The flashing black line on an empty Word document reminds me that my life is counting down second by second, and that… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“I’m twice as old as she is tall. She’s half my age in height. We have a David and Goliath kind of… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“My wife loves window shopping. As for me, I’m more into curtains.” — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
“I vote to have my vote voided—which means my vote won’t count even when it counts, and it will count even when… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s amazing that a thin film of plastic wrap is enough to protect food against the aggression of hungry marauders. Or maybe… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I both made the knife-fighting team, and I got cut. If only love were so easy to understand.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“When my now ex wife said she wanted a separation, I was horrified. So I said, “You want me to wear a… — Jarod Kintz Divorce Copy Share Image
“Does my face not look hungry? My mouth is the path and mouthpiece to my stomach, so I’d believe what I’m telling… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I'm on a backhoe, I'm shaping clay. I am a sculptor. I am a farm artist.” — Jarod Kintz Art Copy Share Image
“Everything I learned in school, mixed together with water and chicken broth, isn’t worth the soup served at a soup kitchen. I… — Jarod Kintz Education Copy Share Image
“I’m ambidextrous. I can write just as poorly with either hand.” — Jarod Kintz Writing Copy Share Image
“I’m 30% in love, and if I ever rise to 70%, then I’ll be 100% in love. But I’ll still be mathematically… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Orafoura doesn’t know shit about what I said, said Orafoura, quoting The Mythical Mr. Boo to me about the shit that’s been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“On my desk are two things: an unfinished research paper due tomorrow, and a goat, and I don't feel like doing either… — Jarod Kintz Research Paper Copy Share Image
