I want to tell you though, I'm having the absolute best birthday ever. Last night -- this was so sweet, it means… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Have you folks been following the controversy with John Kerry and his service in Vietnam and the Swift Boat campaign? It all… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Congratulations to Bill and Hillary Clinton: this weekend, 33rd wedding anniversary. How about that? And you thought the Iraqi war was a… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Gays are now allowed to serve openly in the military. So maybe our next war could be a musical. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The Japanese Prime Minister has apologized for Japan's part in World War II. However, he still hasn't mentioned anything about karaoke. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Bush announced that the war in Iraq has been won. It's all over, it's been won. I believe this would be… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Do you know who is ready to go with the presidential campaign? Jeb Bush. Jeb already has plans to end the war… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
