...went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy! — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint-a Saint Bernard! — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: `Basement?' — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
I don't care how rich and successful a man is. He's nothing without an education. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all. — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
