I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Tomorrow is Election Day. It's what they call the midterm elections, and you can cut the indifference with a knife. It's the… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Howard Dean was endorsed by former Vice President Al Gore and now he is getting advice from Al Gore. And I'm thinking,… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I believe that businesses should not be allowed to make profits for themselves. They need to break even… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Congratulations to Saddam Hussein on being elected to another seven-year term. It was very close. He received 99 percent of the vote,… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I believe liberal judges need to rewrite the Constitution every few days to suit fringe kooks who would… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because Freedom of Speech is fine as long as nobody is offended by it. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I believe the government will do a better job of spending the money I earn than I would. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
New York City has 2 million rats. We used to have 8 million rats. Now we're down to 2 million. You know… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I think illegal aliens have a right to free health care, education, and Social Security benefits, and we… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I believe oil companies profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene, but the government taxing… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The issue of gay marriage has reached the Supreme Court and observers are analyzing every detail to predict how each justice will… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I'm not concerned about millions of babies being aborted so long as we keep all death row inmates… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The reason I vote Democrat is because I think it's better to pay billions for oil to people who hate us, but… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I love the fact that I can now marry whatever I want. I've decided to marry my German… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
