I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Do people in the Ku Klux Klan who die and come back as ghosts have to wear two sheets when attending the… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Marriage is like a row boat: it fits two, it doesn't work on auto-pilot and it's very difficult to have sex in. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Whoever coined the phrase, killing two birds with one stone, not only hated birds but also thought we needed to conserve stones. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
There's something vaguely erotic about watching a woman eat a banana while cupping two plums. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
If I had a Volkswagon Beetle. I'd paint the front to resemble Glenn Langdon in War Of The Colossal Beast. Why? Two… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I just staunchly bought one frame during a two-for-one frame sale and barely left the store alive. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life, I just can't believe that the full moon can… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Somewhere, there's someone who's masturbation ritual ends with them setting up ventriloquist dummies facing the bed. I mean, someone else. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I feel very uncomfortable when I eat in restaurants. I'm obnoxiously polite with the waiters: 'I just want a tuna sandwich. I'll go get… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Despite a primitive brain, the octopus possesses an intricate system that helps it decide which tentacle to masturbate with. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is strange because… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
They say that God is in the details. Then again, they also say that the Devil is in the details. Boy, talk about awkward. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
