Dogs: the best friend you will ever have that pees on your couch and stays your friend. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I love it when dogs yawn. Especially when it's in the middle of another dog's speech. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
If my dog wants to know why I didn't feed him this morning, he may want to rethink walking out of the… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
In the midst of all the candy and commercialism, let's not lose sight of the true meaning of Halloween: tree worship and… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I love my dog, but since the kids came along, the petting has gone out of our relationship. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
My dogs love me. Of course, by love I mean poop and by me I mean everywhere. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Dogs - putting the lie to the age-old saying, I could never love anyone who ate a diaper. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
My dog keeps looking at me as if he knows my secret, as if he and he alone can see my soul.… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Our dog just wanders around the house with a concerned look on his face. Dogs are just people who can't find their… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Chihuahuas are the perfect pet if you don't have a person in your life who screams and shits their pants every time… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life, I just can't believe that the full moon can… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Somewhere, there's someone who's masturbation ritual ends with them setting up ventriloquist dummies facing the bed. I mean, someone else. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I feel very uncomfortable when I eat in restaurants. I'm obnoxiously polite with the waiters: 'I just want a tuna sandwich. I'll go get… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Despite a primitive brain, the octopus possesses an intricate system that helps it decide which tentacle to masturbate with. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is strange because… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
They say that God is in the details. Then again, they also say that the Devil is in the details. Boy, talk about awkward. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
