What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? Give me your cell number. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Reality TV is the perfect antidote to people who don't have enough self-centered douchebags in their life. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
A lot of people have a particular song that, no matter their mood, turns them on. With me, it's Eleanor Rigby. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Do people in the Ku Klux Klan who die and come back as ghosts have to wear two sheets when attending the… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I went to high school with some wonderful people, but my entire high school experience was just waiting to leave. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
A lot of people are looking for their soul mates. Along the way, it's nice to bump into some genital pals. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I've often been accused of being the comic's comic. It's a bad business model when your fans are the people who get… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
A lot of people think my sarcasm comes from insecurity and defensiveness, but I assure you I'm just being petty and cruel. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Somewhere a woman is praying her toddler wins a beauty pageant. I say this because sometimes people wonder why God lets tornadoes… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I live in Los Angeles. It's a very liberal city, but it's so hypocritical in what it's liberal about. You can be… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
What if you died, and you found out that when you died, we all went to the same place. No Heaven, no… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Usually the people that peak in high school are tragic, tragic adults. Most of them end up working for the water department… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
You will never experience less reality than when you are watching a reality show. You're watching people who aren't actors, put into… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
The simple act of smiling at people makes the world a better place. Unless it's the day you decide to walk around… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
If pop music reflects the culture, this will surely go down as the era in which people rose up and realized it… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
People get into stand-up comedy by and large because they're smart and they have a perspective. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
When all the people covered in tattoos turn about 70 years old, they're going to look like a strange race of melting clowns. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I don't mind being alone when I'm surrounded by people, I just hate being alone when I'm alone. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Our dog just wanders around the house with a concerned look on his face. Dogs are just people who can't find their… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Twitter is not a good place for people who feel they're being followed. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Every Thanksgiving we feed the homeless so they may join us as we celebrate other people finding a home. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life, I just can't believe that the full moon can… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Somewhere, there's someone who's masturbation ritual ends with them setting up ventriloquist dummies facing the bed. I mean, someone else. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I feel very uncomfortable when I eat in restaurants. I'm obnoxiously polite with the waiters: 'I just want a tuna sandwich. I'll go get… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Despite a primitive brain, the octopus possesses an intricate system that helps it decide which tentacle to masturbate with. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is strange because… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
They say that God is in the details. Then again, they also say that the Devil is in the details. Boy, talk about awkward. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
