It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
My whole approach to marriage is simple: my wife will do something that drives me insane, I won't say anything, and then,… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Do people in the Ku Klux Klan who die and come back as ghosts have to wear two sheets when attending the… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Getting plastic surgery in your late 70's, it's kind of like painting your house as the fire approaches. Just die, there's no… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
As I die, and my life flashes before my eyes, I want to see who made faces at me when I turned… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I used to pessimistically think I was going to die alone, but now I optimistically know I'm going to die hoping to… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I'm going to live until I die, and everything in between is just another excuse to eat peanut butter. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
If anything, I believe that when I die, I will have to stand in front of all the children who went to… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life, I just can't believe that the full moon can… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Somewhere, there's someone who's masturbation ritual ends with them setting up ventriloquist dummies facing the bed. I mean, someone else. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I feel very uncomfortable when I eat in restaurants. I'm obnoxiously polite with the waiters: 'I just want a tuna sandwich. I'll go get… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Despite a primitive brain, the octopus possesses an intricate system that helps it decide which tentacle to masturbate with. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is strange because… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
They say that God is in the details. Then again, they also say that the Devil is in the details. Boy, talk about awkward. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
