Dies Quotes by Dana Gould

As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life, I just can't believe that the full moon can…

— Dana Gould

The older I get, the more I look like my favorite shoes.

— Dana Gould

Somewhere, there's someone who's masturbation ritual ends with them setting up ventriloquist dummies facing the bed. I mean, someone else.

— Dana Gould

I feel very uncomfortable when I eat in restaurants. I'm obnoxiously polite with the waiters: 'I just want a tuna sandwich. I'll go get…

— Dana Gould

Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business.

— Dana Gould

Despite a primitive brain, the octopus possesses an intricate system that helps it decide which tentacle to masturbate with.

— Dana Gould

I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is strange because…

— Dana Gould

I'm the Forrest Gump of comedy.

— Dana Gould

It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible…

— Dana Gould

If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.

— Dana Gould

They say that God is in the details. Then again, they also say that the Devil is in the details. Boy, talk about awkward.

— Dana Gould

I have one phobia, snakes. And by snakes I mean intimacy.

— Dana Gould

My whole approach to marriage is simple: my wife will do something that drives me insane, I won't say anything, and then, later, I'll…

— Dana Gould

Wrote a science fiction novel about a man who wins an argument with his wife, but it was rejected for being too farfetched.

— Dana Gould

If life begins at conception, but you can be born again later, only to live on eternally after death, what's the big deal about…

— Dana Gould