I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Usually the people that peak in high school are tragic, tragic adults. Most of them end up working for the water department… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
The magazine at the health food store said, Stop Aging! Isn't that what death is for? Trust me, we're all gonna stop… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Anything is possible if you believe in yourself, said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Every day is a gift. That said, I've gotten some pretty shitty gifts over the years. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I was watching Batman, the TV show, on TV Land, on the cable. And Robin said to Batman, Golly, Batman! Why is… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
One great way to mess with devout Christians and atheists would be if Jesus came back and said, By the way, you… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life, I just can't believe that the full moon can… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Somewhere, there's someone who's masturbation ritual ends with them setting up ventriloquist dummies facing the bed. I mean, someone else. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I feel very uncomfortable when I eat in restaurants. I'm obnoxiously polite with the waiters: 'I just want a tuna sandwich. I'll go get… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Despite a primitive brain, the octopus possesses an intricate system that helps it decide which tentacle to masturbate with. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is strange because… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
They say that God is in the details. Then again, they also say that the Devil is in the details. Boy, talk about awkward. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
