When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I tried synchronized swimming, but felt, over time, I was just going through the motions. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I know that big, important things don't just come together overnight, but I've been me for a long time now and it's… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
You write the script, and then you just go over it 400 times and make all the jokes better. It really is… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Whenever someone starts a statement with, Let me tell you the kind of guy I am, that is a great time to… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
We broke up, and my first reaction was 'Fine - I've been through this too many times. I can't change your mind.… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
The hard part about living in the present is it forces you to abandon hope for the future. Thanks for nothing, now. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I would think, if you were horny enough, there'd come a time when it was hos before bros. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, Somewhere out there, there's clown semen. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Every time I fold the baby's clothes I feel like a giant that got a housekeeping job with a nice family. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Women do it all the time to look younger and it would make perfect sense if one of them ever came out… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I try to live in the moment, but by the time I get there it's too late. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Since the dawn of time, primitive humans thought, loved and had poetry. They also pooped on everything. It was horrible. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Scatterbrain is one of those harmless little words you use a million times... Then it turns up in a crime scene description. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life, I just can't believe that the full moon can… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Somewhere, there's someone who's masturbation ritual ends with them setting up ventriloquist dummies facing the bed. I mean, someone else. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I feel very uncomfortable when I eat in restaurants. I'm obnoxiously polite with the waiters: 'I just want a tuna sandwich. I'll go get… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Despite a primitive brain, the octopus possesses an intricate system that helps it decide which tentacle to masturbate with. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is strange because… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
They say that God is in the details. Then again, they also say that the Devil is in the details. Boy, talk about awkward. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
