If you want to see what I'll look like as an old guy, check out any recent photo of me. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry? — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
One of the coolest things about the word boobs is, when you look at it, it has boobs. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I bet when all the punctuation marks have a party, they quietly look at exclamation point's wife and think, that poor woman. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Have you ever had a gay friend lose weight and you can't decide if it's good news or not? Hey you look...… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
If Abe Lincoln took part in the Republican debates, he would look out of place with his intelligence, compassion and gaping head… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
If you gave a bag of potato chips to the guy who invented Pringles, he'd look at you like you were trying… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
When all the people covered in tattoos turn about 70 years old, they're going to look like a strange race of melting clowns. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, Hey, that's how I… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Women do it all the time to look younger and it would make perfect sense if one of them ever came out… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Many stroke survivors look back on their attack as a stroke of luck. Of course, by luck they mean horrible paralysis. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Our dog just wanders around the house with a concerned look on his face. Dogs are just people who can't find their… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
In an effort to look cool, I am going to stop shouting Hey, you! at airplanes. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life, I just can't believe that the full moon can… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Somewhere, there's someone who's masturbation ritual ends with them setting up ventriloquist dummies facing the bed. I mean, someone else. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I feel very uncomfortable when I eat in restaurants. I'm obnoxiously polite with the waiters: 'I just want a tuna sandwich. I'll go get… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Despite a primitive brain, the octopus possesses an intricate system that helps it decide which tentacle to masturbate with. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is strange because… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
They say that God is in the details. Then again, they also say that the Devil is in the details. Boy, talk about awkward. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
