I feel very uncomfortable when I eat in restaurants. I'm obnoxiously polite with the waiters: 'I just want a tuna sandwich. I'll… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
If my dog wants to know why I didn't feed him this morning, he may want to rethink walking out of the… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Cupcakes - when you want to watch your weight, but still feel the pride that comes with eating an entire cake. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
As I die, and my life flashes before my eyes, I want to see who made faces at me when I turned… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
My daughter will say she's hungry, and I'm like, 'Buddy, you're just bored. Do you understand? And you're already starting a pattern… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I don't want to say my mom is late on trends, but this morning she said, Have a shagadelic day, sweetheart. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
No one has ever thought this: Now that I'm out of therapy and have fixed my mental problems, I think I want… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
In a world of war, pain and suffering, all I want for Christmas is an underwater watch and a silver clutch rod… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Where is the good will in the thought, I was going to throw this in the garbage, do you want to wear… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
My dog keeps looking at me as if he knows my secret, as if he and he alone can see my soul.… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
One phrase you don't want kicking off your obituary is, Never, in the long history of bungee jumping. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
If you want to see what I'll look like as an old guy, check out any recent photo of me. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Drum Competitions are called such because no one wants to win the big Beat Off. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I don't want to appear to be placing blame, but as far my life is concerned, everything is pretty much my dad's… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life, I just can't believe that the full moon can… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Somewhere, there's someone who's masturbation ritual ends with them setting up ventriloquist dummies facing the bed. I mean, someone else. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I feel very uncomfortable when I eat in restaurants. I'm obnoxiously polite with the waiters: 'I just want a tuna sandwich. I'll go get… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Despite a primitive brain, the octopus possesses an intricate system that helps it decide which tentacle to masturbate with. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is strange because… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
They say that God is in the details. Then again, they also say that the Devil is in the details. Boy, talk about awkward. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
