Reality TV is the perfect antidote to people who don't have enough self-centered douchebags in their life. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
If life begins at conception, but you can be born again later, only to live on eternally after death, what's the big… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
The hard part about living in the present is it forces you to abandon hope for the future. Thanks for nothing, now. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I'm just a guy and instead of making meth… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life, I just can't believe that the full… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Chihuahuas are the perfect pet if you don't have a person in your life who screams and shits their pants every time… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
As I die, and my life flashes before my eyes, I want to see who made faces at me when I turned… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
What if you died, and you found out that when you died, we all went to the same place. No Heaven, no… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
When you're 17 years old, you have no idea who you are as a person, so there's no way you can be… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
We broke up, and my first reaction was 'Fine - I've been through this too many times. I can't change your mind.… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
The best part of living in constant terror is you always have a place to live. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I used to fear living a life untouched by God, but now, for some reason I've gone back to being afraid of… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
We all enter this world in the same way: naked, screaming, soaked in blood. But if you live your life right, that… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I don't want to appear to be placing blame, but as far my life is concerned, everything is pretty much my dad's… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Here's something you never hear: Now that I've worked through all my emotional issues, I'm free to dedicate my life to ventriloquism! — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life, I just can't believe that the full moon can… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Somewhere, there's someone who's masturbation ritual ends with them setting up ventriloquist dummies facing the bed. I mean, someone else. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I feel very uncomfortable when I eat in restaurants. I'm obnoxiously polite with the waiters: 'I just want a tuna sandwich. I'll go get… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Despite a primitive brain, the octopus possesses an intricate system that helps it decide which tentacle to masturbate with. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is strange because… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
They say that God is in the details. Then again, they also say that the Devil is in the details. Boy, talk about awkward. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
