If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
If life begins at conception, but you can be born again later, only to live on eternally after death, what's the big… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Even if I say, Everyone in the village died of diarrhea, I still laugh a little after diarrhea. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
If my dog wants to know why I didn't feed him this morning, he may want to rethink walking out of the… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Have you ever had a gay friend lose weight and you can't decide if it's good news or not? Hey you look...… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
If I'm alone in the car and I fart, I still laugh at it. It's the little things that keep us civilised. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Why is it, when I have nothing to do, I drink more coffee? It's as if I'm in a big hurry to… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
You will never experience less reality than when you are watching a reality show. You're watching people who aren't actors, put into… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
If you read angry political blogs, substitute Obama with my daddy and you'll usually learn a lot about the author. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
What if you died, and you found out that when you died, we all went to the same place. No Heaven, no… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I'm only afraid of dying if I'm to be held accountable for what I did while living. If there's no God or… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
If The Beatles represent the most successful version you can be of a thing, then by that definition The Rolling Stones are… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
If Abe Lincoln took part in the Republican debates, he would look out of place with his intelligence, compassion and gaping head… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I would think, if you were horny enough, there'd come a time when it was hos before bros. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
If pop music reflects the culture, this will surely go down as the era in which people rose up and realized it… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Chihuahuas are the perfect pet if you don't have a person in your life who screams and shits their pants every time… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
If you don't believe in the living dead, how do your explain the Golf Channel? — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Catholic Church reasserts its moral authority on contraception: If God believed in birth control, altar boys would have a uterus. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
If God is all powerful, and Jesus is the son of God, why did He make His birthday fall on Christmas? — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
If you encounter someone who pronounces the t in often, odds are they're a douchebag. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
If studies on lab rats are any indication, human beings have a deep-seated fear of a big, scary cat being let into… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Women do it all the time to look younger and it would make perfect sense if one of them ever came out… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
If you gave a bag of potato chips to the guy who invented Pringles, he'd look at you like you were trying… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life, I just can't believe that the full moon can… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Somewhere, there's someone who's masturbation ritual ends with them setting up ventriloquist dummies facing the bed. I mean, someone else. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I feel very uncomfortable when I eat in restaurants. I'm obnoxiously polite with the waiters: 'I just want a tuna sandwich. I'll go get… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Despite a primitive brain, the octopus possesses an intricate system that helps it decide which tentacle to masturbate with. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is strange because… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
They say that God is in the details. Then again, they also say that the Devil is in the details. Boy, talk about awkward. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
