My dog keeps looking at me as if he knows my secret, as if he and he alone can see my soul.… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Earthquakes would be great if they could hit specific areas, like the parent lounge at a children's beauty pageant. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I don't like to generalize, but if you see a guy with his shirt tucked into his shorts, he's probably killed three… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
If you want to see what I'll look like as an old guy, check out any recent photo of me. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
If God had wanted women to have giant, fake boobs he'd be a lot like my brother. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
We come into this world naked, covered in our own blood, screaming in terror - and it doesn't have to stop there… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
If Jesus was a baby, there was a point, on that Holiest of nights, in that Holiest of mangers, where he made… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
If I had a Volkswagon Beetle. I'd paint the front to resemble Glenn Langdon in War Of The Colossal Beast. Why? Two… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Anything is possible if you believe in yourself, said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
If I had a dreamcatcher when I was thirteen, it would have spent many long days in the dryer. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
If anything, I believe that when I die, I will have to stand in front of all the children who went to… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
If you're selling something on Craiglist, it's never a good idea to end the description with, May have lice. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
As Global Warming raises temparatures, it takes longer to cool pies on window sills, and I wonder if this whole thing was… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
We all enter this world in the same way: naked, screaming, soaked in blood. But if you live your life right, that… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
One great way to mess with devout Christians and atheists would be if Jesus came back and said, By the way, you… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life, I just can't believe that the full moon can… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Somewhere, there's someone who's masturbation ritual ends with them setting up ventriloquist dummies facing the bed. I mean, someone else. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I feel very uncomfortable when I eat in restaurants. I'm obnoxiously polite with the waiters: 'I just want a tuna sandwich. I'll go get… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Despite a primitive brain, the octopus possesses an intricate system that helps it decide which tentacle to masturbate with. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is strange because… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
They say that God is in the details. Then again, they also say that the Devil is in the details. Boy, talk about awkward. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
