If my dog wants to know why I didn't feed him this morning, he may want to rethink walking out of the… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Love means never having to say you're sorry. Marriage means apologizing when you know you're right. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I used to pessimistically think I was going to die alone, but now I optimistically know I'm going to die hoping to… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
What if you died, and you found out that when you died, we all went to the same place. No Heaven, no… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I know that big, important things don't just come together overnight, but I've been me for a long time now and it's… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
My dog keeps looking at me as if he knows my secret, as if he and he alone can see my soul.… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
We come into this world naked, covered in our own blood, screaming in terror - and it doesn't have to stop there… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Do you know what Irish Alzheimer's is? It's when you forget everything but your grudges. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
One great way to mess with devout Christians and atheists would be if Jesus came back and said, By the way, you… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life, I just can't believe that the full moon can… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Somewhere, there's someone who's masturbation ritual ends with them setting up ventriloquist dummies facing the bed. I mean, someone else. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I feel very uncomfortable when I eat in restaurants. I'm obnoxiously polite with the waiters: 'I just want a tuna sandwich. I'll go get… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Despite a primitive brain, the octopus possesses an intricate system that helps it decide which tentacle to masturbate with. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is strange because… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
They say that God is in the details. Then again, they also say that the Devil is in the details. Boy, talk about awkward. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
