A lot of people think my sarcasm comes from insecurity and defensiveness, but I assure you I'm just being petty and cruel. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I used to pessimistically think I was going to die alone, but now I optimistically know I'm going to die hoping to… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
You will never experience less reality than when you are watching a reality show. You're watching people who aren't actors, put into… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
What men say: I'm sorry, honey. I was wrong. What men think: I'd love a Chipwich. I should go get one. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
No one has ever thought this: Now that I'm out of therapy and have fixed my mental problems, I think I want… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I would think, if you were horny enough, there'd come a time when it was hos before bros. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, Somewhere out there, there's clown semen. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
This is just a hunch, but I bet airplanes think helicopters are assholes. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I think I had an argument with a hypnotist this morning. It makes perfect sense as I have no memory of it. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
If anything, I believe that when I die, I will have to stand in front of all the children who went to… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Always think twice before asking anything of anyone that ends in the words, on your face. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I bet when all the punctuation marks have a party, they quietly look at exclamation point's wife and think, that poor woman. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life, I just can't believe that the full moon can… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Somewhere, there's someone who's masturbation ritual ends with them setting up ventriloquist dummies facing the bed. I mean, someone else. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I feel very uncomfortable when I eat in restaurants. I'm obnoxiously polite with the waiters: 'I just want a tuna sandwich. I'll go get… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Despite a primitive brain, the octopus possesses an intricate system that helps it decide which tentacle to masturbate with. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is strange because… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
They say that God is in the details. Then again, they also say that the Devil is in the details. Boy, talk about awkward. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
