In a world of war, pain and suffering, all I want for Christmas is an underwater watch and a silver clutch rod… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
The simple act of smiling at people makes the world a better place. Unless it's the day you decide to walk around… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
We come into this world naked, covered in our own blood, screaming in terror - and it doesn't have to stop there… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I was watching Batman, the TV show, on TV Land, on the cable. And Robin said to Batman, Golly, Batman! Why is… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
We all enter this world in the same way: naked, screaming, soaked in blood. But if you live your life right, that… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Rejected names for World War II: 'Global Super Killfest', 'Germaniacal Japandamonium', 'World War 1: New Moon'. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life, I just can't believe that the full moon can… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Somewhere, there's someone who's masturbation ritual ends with them setting up ventriloquist dummies facing the bed. I mean, someone else. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I feel very uncomfortable when I eat in restaurants. I'm obnoxiously polite with the waiters: 'I just want a tuna sandwich. I'll go get… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
Despite a primitive brain, the octopus possesses an intricate system that helps it decide which tentacle to masturbate with. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
I got mugged about six months ago. The oddest thing about the entire situation, though, was that I wasn't afraid, which is strange because… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
It's gonna be awesome! A suspected pedophile dunks my kids head in a bucket so when she dies she can live in an invisible… — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
They say that God is in the details. Then again, they also say that the Devil is in the details. Boy, talk about awkward. — Dana Gould Copy Share Image
