I heard some good news today, the FBI and the CIA are going to start cooperating. They are going to start working… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Valentine's Day money-saving tips: Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th. In place of bubble bath, use lavender-scented… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I want to tell you though, I'm having the absolute best birthday ever. Last night -- this was so sweet, it means… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Happy birthday to evil North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un. He gathered family and friends together and celebrated by executing a few… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Barack Obama is putting his team together to take over the Administration. So far, he's got his mother-in-law, who is going to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Monday is President's Day and former President Bill Clinton is very excited. He is taking George Bush, Sr. to 'Hooters'. ... George… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The White House has now put together a website for kids. It's a website to teach kids how to manage a budget… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Valentine's Day money-saving tip: Break up on February 13th, get back together on the 15th. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Obama's trying to work out a nuclear deal with Iran, and the Republicans are steamed. They got together and sent Iran… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Because you think an explosion has taken place and you're looking at the shards and you say, 'Well, can we put this… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
