I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I've discovered? I need a girlfriend. — Dave Attell Discovery Copy Share Image
I smoke so much. Three packs a day... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass. — Dave Attell Ass Copy Share Image
When I first saw a strap on, I put it on my head and ran around like a rhino. — Dave Attell Firsts Copy Share Image
I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something. — Dave Attell Doing Copy Share Image
I'm not the comic of the generation, I'm not even the funniest guy in my family. — Dave Attell Comic Copy Share Image
I'm sitting in the bus station, minding my own business, reading 'Ta-Da!' magazine; a magazine by and for gay magicians, but that's… — Dave Attell Bus Copy Share Image
I'm not a movie guy, I'm not a TV sitcom guy, but whatever seems to fit and is funny is good for… — Dave Attell Fit Copy Share Image
My gym has two-pound weights. If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym? What's your… — Dave Attell Doors Copy Share Image
You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had? — Dave Attell Comedy Copy Share Image
Everyone was laughin'. Even that deaf mute boy was breathing heavy and pointing at me. Which is laughter to their kind. — Dave Attell Boys Copy Share Image
Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk… — Dave Attell Capes Copy Share Image
What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them,… — Dave Attell Chicken Copy Share Image
If I had a kid, I'd give him a name that would make everyone would want to say his name. I'd call… — Dave Attell Causes Copy Share Image
There's a late-night scene in every town, and everyone has something going on, ... I've heard good stories about (Syracuse); this is… — Dave Attell Checks Copy Share Image
Friends are important, dontcha think? Hmmm? I think so. The way I see it, you got friends, and you got your best… — Dave Attell Best friend Copy Share Image
I hang out with my dad mostly, my dad was in the military. He's at that age now where his war stories… — Dave Attell Age Copy Share Image
A lot of these kids I think are more content just to be on Facebook and the computer than they are to… — Dave Attell Buddy Copy Share Image
It's a horrible economy but I'm trying to do my part. I just bought a new shower curtain it has all the… — Dave Attell Cry Copy Share Image
Things have been invented because of alcohol. Like the taser, okay? Yeah! The morning after pill, okay? The reach-around. Judge Judy. What… — Dave Attell Alcohol Copy Share Image
This one guy, the worst guy in the music. The Yanni man. You know Yanni? First of all, anyone who looks like… — Dave Attell All night Copy Share Image
I'm sorry, was that homophobic? No--I think it was, 'cause I hear that a lot. Dave, What?, You're talking about being gay.… — Dave Attell Ass Copy Share Image
Why do they collect garbarge at 5am? Why? It's garbage. It's not going to go bad again. — Dave Attell Garbage Copy Share Image
I gotta quit smoking, doctor's orders, and the drinking, court orders. — Dave Attell Court Copy Share Image
I don't have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming No, that's… — Dave Attell Apartment Copy Share Image
Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth. — Dave Attell Crystal meth Copy Share Image
If I was to have sex with one animal it would be a horse. That is a beautiful animal. And when you… — Dave Attell Animal Copy Share Image
I keep getting these people at my shows who only know me from television. I can always tell when they're, like, emotionally… — Dave Attell I can Copy Share Image
Never drink alone, that's what they say. But you know what? If you drink you will never be alone, alright? — Dave Attell Alright Copy Share Image
Pre-mature ejaculation. Let's talk about it. Pre-mature ejaculation. That's a pretty fancy term for, Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before. — Dave Attell Ejaculation Copy Share Image
Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so… — Dave Attell Cuddle Copy Share Image
If you take off your pants and her first reaction is, "Awwww, look at it...like a little baby Jesus." Time to buy… — Dave Attell Baby Copy Share Image
Men are having sex with animals and we wonder why the animals attack us. And I'll tell you why: it's cuz of… — Dave Attell Animal Copy Share Image
