CIA Director George Tenet has now testified before the 9/11 commission and he said we are still making the same dumb mistakes,… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
One of the remarkable things about being 19 is that you can break open a case of warm beer at midnight and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Yesterday was Chinese New Year. It's the Year of the Rabbit. And here's how dumb I am. I'm still writing the Year… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know, we had the elections earlier in the week, and a dead woman, in Pennsylvania, somehow was on the ballot and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The Japanese Prime Minister has apologized for Japan's part in World War II. However, he still hasn't mentioned anything about karaoke. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Security here in New York City is still very tight. Hookers in Times Square now are demanding two forms of fake ID. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Are you getting a big kick out of the Enron scandal? I find this interesting that whenever a big crisis starts, people… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence.… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
John McCain said that Sarah Palin is still a force in the Republican Party. Then he got in his car and backed… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
John Kerry says the 'W' in George W. Bush stands for 'Wrong.' But he still can't explain what John Kerry stands for. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It's two days until tax time. I know it's late, but there is still time to deduct this show as a loss. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You probably heard about the big prisoner swap with Cuba. A man who has been incarcerated in Havana for five years is… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
