A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like playing frisbee. It is the only sport where you can throw something at a person and it's okay. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
To look like you are a real sports fan, when there is a game on TV just yell, Oh, come on! every… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
The question is, 'how bad at sports were you as a kid?' I grew up near where they film Jersey Shore. If… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
