Why are there not positive mysteries? It's always who stole the diamond, or who killed the butler? How about... who made cookies,… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
To be creative, first I need to be really organized. If my apartment's messy I need to clean it. It's like before… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
History, like wallpaper, repeats itself and can also make a room look old-fashioned. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Sometimes heckling can almost help a set, because it ratchets up the tension in the room... can even bring things to a… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
