This is the big reason most humorists fail. Drunks don't read books. — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
Take care of your friends. Because there will come a time when you'll be no good to anyone, and the only reason… — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
The reason to retire is to try to avoid embarrassment; you ought to do it before people are dropping big hints. You… — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
Girls . . . were allowed to play in the house . . . and boys were sent outdoors. . . .… — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
The party of Lincoln and Liberty was transmogrified into the party of hairy-backed swamp developers and corporate shills, faith-based economists, fundamentalist bullies… — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
We have nearly complete misunderstanding between people of different faiths in Lake Wobegon, and that's probably one reason why we get along… — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
When the New Yorker turned down work, they turned it down in such an elaborately gentlemanly way making apologies for their own… — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny. — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
The socially redeeming aspect of golf lies in the vast number of lawyers and bankers and managers who play it, and when you think… — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
Ha! Easy for nuns to talk about giving up things. That's what they do for a living. — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
This is the big reason most humorists fail. Drunks don't read books. — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
Before the world was made, when it was only darkness and mist and waters, God was well aware of Lake Wobegon, my family, our… — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
On investments, 1998: Where I'm from we don't trust paper. Wealth is what's here on the premises. If I open a cupboard and see,… — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
“The rich can afford to be progressive. Poor people have reason to be afraid of the future.” — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
English is the perfect language for preachers because it allows you to talk until you think of what to say. — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
“If you can't read a simple goddam sign and follow one simple goddam instruction then get your fat butt the hell out of here.” — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
“The Gospel is meant to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable.” — Garrison Keillor Copy Share Image
