It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
What I've learned about my self over the years is that I'm pretty restless. If I multitask it's probably because I have… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
My mind says one thing, but my body says another. Thanks a lot, Indian food and beer. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
One thing I learned is that it's never OK to walk through a cemetery dressed as a mummy - even if that… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
