It's weird the way "finger puppet" sounds okay as a noun... ladies. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Okay, so, when I was a kid, definitely the drawings and the illustration. Then I stopped in sixth grade or so. And… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like playing frisbee. It is the only sport where you can throw something at a person and it's okay. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I do come across people who don't like me, don't like my comedy, don't think it's funny, it's too cutesy, or whatever… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Yes, okay, it's cool to be quirky, maybe, on the side. Do some puzzles, make puzzles, whatever, learn how to ride a… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
