It would be nice if people said, God bless you not just when you sneezed but also when you farted. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
It's interesting to be an adult and to have that level of ignorance about something, because the nice part about is you… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day.… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
My friend has hand soap that smells like coconut. It's nice. Unless your hands are dirty from coconuts. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I got myself a really nice nib pen, with like 15 kinds of India Ink, and tons of different nibs; I think… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
