I think there are so many little hurdles and impediments with stand-up that you'd need to have this insane desire to do… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
To be creative, first I need to be really organized. If my apartment's messy I need to clean it. It's like before… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I live in New York and there are a lot of famous... pizzerias in my neighborhood, it's really hard to find one… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
There is also a beast, a beast of strange dimensions. He has the head of a horse and the body of a… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
You need an audience to help you figure out what's working and what's worth putting on your album or your special -… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Surprise parties are strange 'cause people jump up and they yell the word, 'surprise' at the party. I came home and you… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I love Buster Keaton and I love physical comedy when it's done in an emotionally understated way. I just like to play… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
