I think cats would have an even worse attitude if they found out how stupid their names were. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Easy way to make someone sound less powerful, just put DJ in front of their name... ..DJ Abraham Lincoln — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
There's a store in my neighborhood called Futon World. I like that name, 'Futon World.' Makes me think of a magical place… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Socrates became a trendsetter. Other philosophers, including Plato and Aristotle and Gus, quickly followed suit, dropping their last names too. And, for… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When I used to go on the Wikipedia page, and I haven't gone on the page in a while, there used to… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When they were naming vitamins they must have thought there were going to be way more vitamins than there ended up being.… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
