I think if I pick the right thing to spend my time doing, then time moves differently, because I really can get… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
For me and most of my friends who are comedians, if you've been doing comedy for a while, your tolerance for things… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict, because a refrigerator starts in a box and then moves to a house. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I've learned something on the road, traveling around: state shapes. The easier it is to draw the shape of the state, the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When I dropped out [from a law school], everybody was disappointed... But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I am sometimes referred to as Excuse Me in an annoyed tone of voice, because apparently I am in the way. I… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
![“When I dropped out [from a law school], everybody was disappointed... But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom. Before that, I never realized how much I sought other people's approval. Once I figured that out, I was free to move on and seek the approval…” quote by Demetri Martin](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/img-quotes/1b0/demetri-martin-511_approval_when-i-dropped-out-from-a-law-school-eve_2671287.jpg)
