You can make a very heavy and kind of dangerous 3-way shot glass out of a bowling ball. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I'm a producer on my show, which is great, but it's also kind of a mixed blessing because there's so much responsibility.… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
There are two kinds of jackets - reversible, and reversible but it's hard to zipper up and it looks really stupid. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I'm a body builder, but I don't use weights. I use snacks. It's kind of a different building process. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I got myself a really nice nib pen, with like 15 kinds of India Ink, and tons of different nibs; I think… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
