Jesus Receives Quotes by Demetri Martin

I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.

— Demetri Martin

Tic Tacs are the maracas of breath mints.

— Demetri Martin

When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole.

— Demetri Martin

I think they named the orange before the carrot.

— Demetri Martin

I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front…

— Demetri Martin

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

— Demetri Martin

Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That…

— Demetri Martin

I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.

— Demetri Martin

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

— Demetri Martin

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

— Demetri Martin

A Wednesday with no rain is a dry hump day.

— Demetri Martin

THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the…

— Demetri Martin