The chances of someone who looks like Jesus having pot raises steadily, to a point. If the guy is on a cross… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday'… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like when people wear a WWJD bracelet, because it's like an example of the first thing Jesus wouldn't do, probably. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
