I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow anything. Hey, how about some celery? Plus, if I tore your legs off,… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
“So let me get this straight,” she made finger quotes in the air, “Doctor Jeffery Scott is looking for a butt ugly… — Dee Burks Copy Share Image
But because it was able to balance that kind of humor with a sweet story and characters you really rooted for and… — Jason Biggs Copy Share Image
“He still kept smiling. And his moustache was definitely plotting something.” — Sonya Lano Copy Share Image
Vanity was the beginning and the end of Sir Walter Elliot's character; vanity of person and of situation. He had been remarkably… — Jane Austen Copy Share Image
“My first boyfriend was black as well, but that doesn't prove I'm color-blind, just that I like big butts.” — David Sedaris Copy Share Image
“Beware of puns and other clever wordplay. The only people who appreciate puns are the people who can do them. It’s like… — Scott Adams Copy Share Image
“English and Gym. That's it. Look, do you know how difficult it is to write about being at school convincingly? It's been… — Stephfordy Mayo Copy Share Image
The only thing that you can get into without a lot of trouble is a lot of trouble. — Bill Cosby Copy Share Image
It reminds me of a string of wet sponges; it reminds me of tattered washing on the line; it reminds me of… — H. L. Mencken Copy Share Image
Finding a song name: Type all the words you know in Google and hope for the best. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“But Erin let it slide. The child was only four years old; she had a whole lifetime to learn about sadness. Today… — Carl Hiaasen Copy Share Image
Why would they have gone to the trouble to hire the best comedy writers in the business to write funny material for… — Burt Ward Copy Share Image
If you tell the reader it's funny, then the audience is like an audience at a stand-up comedy club and they expect… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
“If this had been a public-school locker room, there would have been some gray jumbo-sized garbage cans nearby, and I probably could've… — James Ponti Copy Share Image
“People say everybody has a book inside them, so why not make your life a great story?” — Martha Louise Hunter Copy Share Image
Michael Pollan is a champion. In all ways. A man of great integrity, humor, and common sense and kindness. — Maira Kalman Copy Share Image
“The oil has leaked. The bait has sprung the trap. The horse has bolted. The prisoner has broken out. The chicken has… — Jane De Suza Copy Share Image
Life is a comedy for those who think and a tragedy for those who feel. — Horace Walpole Copy Share Image
“Oh, Anya! Let's have an intense spiritual relationship for no believable reason!” — Vera Brosgol Copy Share Image
“Snowball?" It's white." Meow." It's so girly." This from a guy who named his poodle Princess." his laughter died. "How do you… — Rachel Gibson Copy Share Image
