For me and most of my friends who are comedians, if you've been doing comedy for a while, your tolerance for things… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I live in New York and there are a lot of famous... pizzerias in my neighborhood, it's really hard to find one… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
You never forget your first kiss. And that's what makes it so hard to forgive my uncle. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When I was in high school I experimented sexually. The experiment was to never have sex with anybody no matter how hard… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
It's hard to know what's gay in life. Boxing. That's two men fighting over a belt. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
If I had a bookstore I would make all the mystery novels hard to find. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
There are two kinds of jackets - reversible, and reversible but it's hard to zipper up and it looks really stupid. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
People and squirrels are very different. Most people will not argue that. But I find that there is one situation in which… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think as a performer, it can be really great to stand on stage, especially when you have more time, but I… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
