If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When you're wearing an animal costume and something bad happens, your facial expression doesn't change. The animal is deadpan the whole time.… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When I was younger, I'd get very empirical with myself. "I have a hypothesis about myself. I'll put myself in a situation,… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Sometimes, when something really great happens to me, I like to wait two weeks before I tell anyone about it, because I… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Suicide is the #1 killer of a person who is in a boat and happens to be passing under a bridge at… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Yes, okay, it's cool to be quirky, maybe, on the side. Do some puzzles, make puzzles, whatever, learn how to ride a… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
