Yes" actually means "No" 100% of the time, when the question is "Can I give you some advice? — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
There's a very fine line between giving someone the Heimlich maneuver and dry-humping a stranger. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Halloween: the day each year when strangers give you even more specific reasons to dislike them based on what they are wearing. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When people show me pictures of their kids, it's okay. But when I give them a picture of me, to show to… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
If you happen to catch on fire during the show, do not panic or wave your arms around or scream or we… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I always wanted to do a movie, because I love the movies. They give you a chance to have an intimacy with… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I don't think I ever wrote a song. I can write a lot of jokes, but when I try to write lyrics… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
