Funny Quotes · Page 1,538

“Winnie, don't you ever think you're selling yourself short?" "Nope. Never. I'm really good at picking quality dick.”

— Elizabeth Brown

You can't make a mistake when you improvise.

— Patti Smith

Apparently kicking my friend in the chest & yelling THIS IS SPARTA! is not an appropriate response to what do you feel…

— Green Monk

Cheech and I used to call ourselves musicians; we never called ourselves comedians. We were musicians that were funny.

— Tommy Chong

I'd beat you up, but that might be considered animal abuse

— Amit Verma

When you'rethe only one to do something, it always gets done.

— Robert Newton

I'd very much like to be Ava Gardner. She IS sex.

— Barbara Parkins

Before we got engaged, he never farted. Now it's a second language.

— Caroline Rhea

OMFG LMAO hahaha I said that to someone and they walked away like WTF and I just laughed so hard I cried!

— Celeste Hartman

. . . Intelligence is not the same thing as wisdom.

— Laozi

She's 80 my nan, what do you want for your birthday? "SHREDDER!! GET ME A SHREDDER!!", what do you want a shredder…

— Russell Howard

What amazes me with 'Will & Grace' fans is how young they are and how straight they are. The guys always come…

— Leslie Jordan

Remember Hey Arnold? Rugrats? CatDog? Rocket Power? Kenan & Kel? The Amanda Show?... When Nickelodeon made sense.

— Anonymous

I have found that people who really want to work at 'Saturday Night Live' and pursue it get pretty close. You have…

— John Mulaney

“I want to have fun," I said. "I'm tired of not having fun. Think about it: For five days all we'll have…

— Scott Haas

What could be worse than having to be seen resorting to your own life.

— Gary Lutz

What is funny about us is precisely that we take ourselves too seriously.

— Reinhold Niebuhr

Everyone's crazy except you and me.

— Mark Frauenfelder

I would say, the new hipness is #yoga.

— Peter Max

I am not ladies man.. Lol :D

— Vishak

'I have enough clothes and shoes I never need to go shopping again...' Said no girl ever.

— Anonymous

Pillow my head on no guesses when I die.

— Joseph Cook

You gotta make your own fun. That's right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I'm talking about.

— Dave Attell

Hacking is like sex. You get in, you get out, and hope that you didn't leave something that can be traced back…

— Anonymous

When you see things upside down, the ego can be extraordinarily funny; it's absurd. But it's tragic at the same time.

— Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu