Birthday Quote by Russell Howard

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell BINGO!

— Anonymous

“My girlfriend just bought me a portable toaster. And my birthday’s coming up, so I’m half expecting her to buy me a portable bathtub…

— Jarod Kintz

“On my birthday, every year since I turned eighteen, she called me at twelve twenty in the morning to wish me happy birthday and…

— T.A. Webb

It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a divorce." I…

— Frank Carson

“My niece just turned one. I gave her a birthday card that read, "If you can read this, Happy Birthday!”

— Jarod Kintz

Maybe I should of remembered Grandma's birthday.

— Hannah Montana

I got some words for granny, she gon wake me up at 8 talking about fold some towels and walk off singing "we a…

— Anonymous

I figure that someday, I'll be able to tell my grandchildren, 'Granny used to be a hottie!"'

— Jessica Biel

“Birthdays put years on you!!”

— PD Watts

My grandma was so old-fashioned. She thought we were supposed to have homework every night. I would come home, and she would be like,…

— Bryson Tiller

Seriously, my grandma's like the oldest lady on ShipRocked every year. My grandma's crazy.

— Maria Brink

“Happy birthday to me,' I sang into the mirror as I cleaned my teeth. 'Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday, dear loser... who's old,…

— Nick Spalding