Funny Quotes · Page 1,540

WIFE, A woman who can be labelled intelligent when she sees through her husband -- she's understanding when she sees him through;

— Nikhil Saluja

I have asked my mom and my sister a couple times if I should post something or not. Or if they think…

— Cameron Dallas

My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.

— Rodney Dangerfield

Kids are like farts, you only like your own.

— Anonymous

“One would think that since Hamilton and Eliza only just got married, our mothers would be satisfied for a while, but instead…

— Jen Turano

“Some things in life are certain; death, taxes, and that your family will piss you off.”

— Melanie Finn

Failure is not an American habit.

— Franklin D. Roosevelt

In my youth I hoped to do great things; now I shall be satisfied to get through without scandal.

— Walter Bagehot

And I was going to be damned if I was older than Batman.

— Frank Miller

“Isn’t it funny? You forgive people before they ask forgiveness. Later they expect your apologize.”

— M.F. Moonzajer

My Wife & me are either going to buy a dog or have a child. Actually we can't decide whether to ruin…

— Green Monk

Eggs! They're not a food, they belong in no group! They're just farts clothed in substance!

— Dylan Moran

Everything is God, there is nothing else but God.

— Mata Amritanandamayi

Girl look at that body, I work out! :D

— Lmfao

“It was a fine summer morning, the kind to make a man happy to be alive. And probably the man *would* have…

— Terry Pratchett

We are the people are parents warned us about.

— Anonymous

That awkward moment when a little kid asks me to open something for them...and I cant...

— Anonymous

The full he empties, and the empty he fills.

— Charles Spurgeon

“As a youth I got my jollies by confronting my professors with facts that ran completely contrary to what they were trying…

— Lia Habel

The primary reward of the gospel - God himself

— David Platt

Life was much simpler when we could play a friendly game of red rover and just clothesline the people we didn't like.

— Anonymous

Hate when I get drunk at a bar and hot chicks waste the opportunity to take sexual advantage of me.

— Green Monk

It's funny, but you get to a time in your life when you think you have all the friends you will ever…

— Liam Neeson

A girl never gets mad for no reason. It may be over something small and stupid but there is still a reason.

— Anonymous

If you stay ready, you don't have to get ready.

— Will Smith