I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Easy way to make someone sound less powerful, just put DJ in front of their name... ..DJ Abraham Lincoln — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I don't like thank you cards because I don't know what else to say. What do I put on the inside? See… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something it's at least a little… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
When someone describes themself as a taxpayer, they're about to be an asshole. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favorite band through the phone of the asshole who's standing in front… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Skiing is my favorite sport, because, that's the only sport that is actually better to watch the worst the person is at it. "That… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert. — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
